Jul 3
How to Give Your Music Credibility
I was in a coffee shop getting my afternoon coffee when a song I normally would make fun of someone for liking popped on the radio. Much to my chagrin, it passed undetected through my musical radio. I didn’t recognize it initially because it was a different version of the song. This “sophisticated version” of the song made me think about a formula for bringing credibility to a song that otherwise wouldn’t deserve any critical acclaim.
First thing you do: take your shitty song and slow it about 3 notches down. Songs that are slower appear more profound, emotional, and deliberate, as if to suggest to the world, “let’s slow this down so you can take in the sheer intellectual substance of what I’m telling you through the magical art of song.”
Second: take your synth-based song and hire some actual musicians to accompany you in an acoustic performance. Acoustic translates into sincerity: it’s raw and unpolished and “real.” Ironically, while in most facets of life, “raw and unpolished” means shitty and bad for you, in the musical world, it means genuine and substantive.
Third: instead of recording your album in the traditional studio, try recording your songs in something non-traditional like a coffee shop. This serves multiple purposes. For one, you can get instant street cred by calling your album something clever like, “the coffee house sessions” or “music with friends” or some title that suggests that even though the artist sold a jillion albums, he manages to connect with every single listener. Second, the coffee house setting gives the album just enough pretension to satisfy the scores of pretentious critics who will review the album and give it a thumbs up or thumbs down based on how perceptibly deep and sophisticated the music is.
And above all, wear a turtleneck sweater and glasses.
2 commentsJul 3
From the “No S**t” Department - low-cal snack bags don’t help you lose weight
Hey there, you know those little bags of chips that you’ve been chowing down? Yeah…they don’t work. Get yourself a regular-sized bag and practice some sensible portion control. Unless you equate each little bag with “love,” in which case get yourself all the little bags you want! Hey, love don’t come cheap! And don’t worry, the little bag will still love you when you’ve got a BMI of 50.
Link: 100 Calorie Packs Makes You Fat
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Jul 3
That’s Crazy!
So this lady collapses in the waiting room AT A HOSPITAL and it takes 45 minutes for someone to get help?!? That’s something I thought I could count on - that I could just fall down somewhere, not move, and someone would instantly get concerned and start asking me “Abram, are you ok?!?” (or “Sir, are you ok” if they didn’t know me) And then maybe they would call 911, I don’t know, I haven’t gotten to that part yet of the daydream yet. But still, they would at least ask if I was ok! This whole story is freaky - what’s wrong with our world?!?
Link: Firings and Dismay After Woman’s Death at Hospital
No commentsJul 2
Speaking of MacGyver…
Here’s a list of all the crazy ways he went about solving problems.
Link: List of problems solved by MacGyver
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Jul 2
Wow…just…wow
We may need to give those Frenchies some astronomy lessons. That’s just ridiculous. Even his wife(?) was mouthing “La Lune” at him.
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Jul 2
Long-distance relationships dwindling, gas prices are too high
“I love my boyfriend Tommy,” says 19-year old Marketing major Sarah Maxwell. “But with gas prices this high, it’s either a 3-hour drive to go see him, or a new pair of shoes. That’s a no-brainer!” Her boyfriend Tommy shares a similar sentiment: “Me mates and I wanted to rent the pay-per-view, but I had little scratch left over from driving to see Sarah.”
Indeed, this is a crisis affecting most of the country. The Boyfriends and Girfriends Association, or BGASS, has noted a steady decline in the number of miles that people will travel via automobile to see their significant others. “They just can’t afford it,” says top researcher Jane Lane. “A lot of them would rather spend the dough on beer or weed. And some of the males, for some reason that we still can’t figure out, would rather spend that money on strippers and hookers than go have missionary-style sex with their girlfriends living 2-3 hundred miles away.” When asked about this particular phenomenon, Tommy replied “dude, my girlfriend is sitting right there, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
The solution? We asked Ms. Lane (she is still unmarried; in fact her last boyfriend refused to walk the 10 blocks from his house to come see her) what the country can do to reinvigorate interest in long-distance dating. “Oh, I don’t know,” she replied. “We just need to motivate the other sex a little more. We can’t get complacent. Like some girls? They’re getting cosmetic surgery to bring in the guys. Even I’m getting a boob job next month!” At this, Jane giggled like a schoolgirl.
This is Abram Nichols, reporting.
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Jul 2
Speed Dressing
This is a “spec” ad for JC Penny, i.e. the retailer probably never even saw the ad until it started touring the web. Great stuff!
Link: Here it is the controversial JCPenny Commercial.
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